Managing Tension

My bro recently commented that I have not been updating the blog. Guilty as charged because I am feeling a little lazy to update the day to day happenings now. Or with the energy left, I rather do something else like sleep or watching youtube. Many things I have chucked aside (running, acting, baking, cooking, dating) but I certainly hope to regain them once things are more on track and kids are easier to manage.

After so long, what's worth updating? Perhaps to share my thoughts after I attended Seok Lin and Matt's course on Managing Tension (as a Leader). While it is one of the leadership training, I find the concepts applicable to our personal lives too. The 2-day course has been quite enlightening and I was tasked to present my learning during a Break & Breakfast session recently. Despite my backlog at work, I was very keen in preparing for my presentation because I was really very keen to share what I have learnt. But in the end, I think I did not do a good job in delivering it because there were too many things in my mind, I wasn't fully present then. This is an example of managing tension poorly. Seok Lin said if you are self-conscious, you are not fully present. I started to think if I was engaging, if I was boring, if the audience was feeling bored... On reflection, I find it very silly because it was just a B&B and with my best intention, I should have just focused on my presentation and nothing else.

Nonetheless I managed to reinforce my learning through the presentation. I shared about the 5 core competencies of managing tension. What caught my attention about these competencies were:

- Defensive: I have the power to control how I want to react to tension
As what my Director has simply put across, there is a gap between your feelings and your behaviours. That gap is the space for you to take a breather and think about how you want to react to it. Avoid acting out of "reflex" and impulse but be intentional. You don't have to act out your feelings. Even if you want to act it out, think about it and make that conscious decision but be ready for any consequences. So if you choose to fight, fight with an intention and not with impulse. Also, the gap provides me with a pause, a time to stop immediate reactions and do deep breathing. It is quite amazing how deep breathing can calm myself and lower your "angry" state. Yup, the power of pause.

- Naming: Words create world
I showed 2 videos to depict this point. One is on the blind man, the other one is on Kate Winslet on winning an award while she shared how her teacher used to tell her that she would be just fine to settle for a fat girl role. But she chose not to believe the teacher and found herself landing in female lead roles because she could act. Words define our reality. If I think I am stupid, then I am really stupid. And stupid people cannot do a lot of things. So imagine if I bear this thought throughout, I think I can just stop living. So use the right words to motivate ourselves so that we can move forward. The same goes to using the right words in communicating with our staff and colleagues. Avoid negative labels. This is especially so to kids, as they are so vulnerable and fresh. I can't bear to think how some kids lose their self worth cos their parents put them down all the time. Note to self: never do that to my boys.

There, the gist of it and it is a great refresher for me since my LSC course. I am thankful and a little more enlightened. I still feel stressed at work but I think I am able to step back a lot easier and still be motivated. I think partly also because I know my bosses are reasonable. Still learning my steps after my long leave from work, but I am glad I am moving forward.

So happy to know that she is going to be my trainer.

Seok has always been inspiring and nurturing.

So I always love seeing her and learning from her. *MUARKS*

Hair Cut and Treatment

As my original hair stylist isn't around, her hubby covered for her and did my hair cut. I was looking for a change to manage my falling and messy hair. But I knew without rebonding, I wouldn't be able to have the hairstyle that needs minimal maintenance.

Today I not only got a huge chunk of hair chopped off, the stylist also tried to thin my hair with some japanese technique. Actually it still turned out poofy especially after I got home. I am not all pleased or displeased with it. My head definitely feels lighter. The hair did not get worse as it was already quite bad so I just take it easy, just that I can't go out without tying it. But his recommendation for me to do the circulist treatment was good. It was extremely a "spa like" experience. The assistant did a good job in massaging my scalp. My scalp felt numb and many times, I could just sleep. Too bad it was 30min but because it took only 30 min, then I could do this. I still got to rush home to take over the duty from hubby and to pump milk. 

The treatment felt so good that I signed up the package for 10 sessions. Will try to be more regular in treating my hair well.

Anyway I also had an interesting conversation with my stylist. About enlightenment, about seeing things differently (reframing) and how we, as parents can do good for our kids with positive energy. Never expect to have this takeaway at a hair session, it did remind me of certain things. Thankful for this reflection opportunity. Don't get me wrong. It was definitely not related to any religious stuff but really, more of a OD way in managing self and people around me.

To Evans

My dearest Jun Jun
You have been a darling to me. Being our first baby, I am very careful in deciding what to feed you. You aren't leading the life like most kids your age who got to eat more candies, chocolates or any other junk food. What you have is pretty much measured. This is especially so when you aren't well. I dread it when you are unwell because that means you are not feeling the best and that makes 2 of us not feeling the best. And it is really additional procedure to feed you medicine in the midst of our daily routine.

But I am really thankful for you for being rather disciplined and understanding when I disallow you to eat certain food. I appreciate it that while as a kid, it's natural to feel tempted but you choose to listen to me and refrain from the foods which I said No to. I am thankful because by listening to me without putting up a fuss, you make it easier for me while others might look at me as an overly strict/protective/burdensome mother who cannot let her son eat what he desire. I am thankful for the respect you give me while you fight your temptation away. I don't really want to care how others see me now since they are unaware how bad your cough can get, especially when you wake up. And I also hate to tell you off when you cough near didi.

I see an improvement so keep it up Evans. May the cough leave you and so you can enjoy a more variety of foods and we don't have to be bothered with the medicines!

Xxoooooxoooxoxxx
Mama

A Tale of A Relatively New Mother of 2

It's close to 3pm. Finally some peace and quiet while the kids are asleep. I know it will not be for long but thought of taking this time to jot down my thoughts/grievances or whatever, so that when I read back in a few months or years, I can "reminisce" what it is like. (Oops thunder.... hopefully the kids can continue snoozing).

I just read an article which a mother shared her experience as a mother of 2. I feel so much for her, juggling her role as a working mom. It was ironically funny when she said sometimes she would just leave what she has dropped, on the floor because she was just too tired to pick it up. (Interrupted cos Evans was crying for me to accompany him for nap.)

Thunder is still roaring quite gently now but let me describe what I am doing now. One hand rocking Eden in the sarong, one hand patting Evans. On and off trying to type this post. Both are still in zzz mode.

My boys are lovely and cute. I love them but at the same time I hope I can get away from them at times. Actually more of away from Eden cos I really miss doing things with Evans. But my energy level may not be able to sustain entertaining Evans for long. When I am busy with the baby, somehow Evans will like to throw me 101 questions or share with me things he knows. Sometimes when I am stressed, I will brush him aside "Not now...". See what a nasty mommy I am. Undeniably I feel bad after that but I just can't be as zen as I wanna be. I can't help but to show the stress and impatience on my face. I just hope Evans will be understanding, which he is (most times) as he has displayed it in many instances. As for myself, perhaps to go less hard on me and take it easy. Easier said, of course. I didn't know I dread baby cries this much especially when it seems to be no solution to his cries. I guess I need to remind me that being a 2nd time mom doesn't necessarily mean I should know a lot more. What's more, it has been 5 years! Just tell myself every day is a lesson. I will learn something new about my kids and I will know them better each day.

It is normal to feel tired all the time and perhaps after a while, the body will be conditioned to handle such life. (This time, thunder woke Eden... so keep rocking!)

I feel really sweaty and oily now. Time has not come for me to take a bath. I need to feed Eden first, by right around 4pm, 45 min to go. And have to wait until my mama is free to watch the kids before I can enjoy the bath time. Goodness, can't wait to wash my hair! This is why I am not comfortable to entertain any guests at this point.

Before returning to work, I will probably get a refreshing haircut and maybe mani to get back my oldself. I believe when I feel good about myself, everything else will seem easier. This is so true when I return home from my me time, I am more patient with the kiddos. My spirit feels lighter as well.

Like the author, there are moments I miss like when I am without kids or when I have only Evans. Things were much easier. This is human, right? So I shouldn't feel guilty about it.

"Dear boys, mama just misses my own life too much but I appreciate you in my life k. Just give me more time when things get easier and we are more free to go places... we will have fun together."

Ok another thunder... maybe I should stop whining and standby for action.

十年。。。你还好吗？主题曲 《最美的时光》

<最美的时光 >
歌手: 沈志豪

是否有一段时光
让你想到就心酸
为了爱曾经什么 都不管

我们用青春 去交换疯狂
让日子难忘
却忘了
学会原谅

我们其实都一样
用委屈成全梦想
微笑不想太轻易 被看穿

如果能重来
你是否还会
认定就不放
还是只想 
找个人相伴

当回忆在夜里不停回放
卸下疲惫和不安
开始懂得 享受平凡的陪伴

当幸福回到最初的模样
谁在你身旁
那些远方 一直都在手上

我们其实都一样
用委屈成全梦想
微笑不想太轻易 被看穿

如果能重来
你是否还会 认定就不放
还是只想 找个人相伴

当回忆在夜里不停回放
卸下疲惫和不安
开始懂得 享受平凡的陪伴
当幸福回到最初的模样
谁在你身旁
原来简单
是最美的时光

当回忆。。在夜里不停回放
卸下疲惫和不安
开始懂得 享受平凡的陪伴
就当幸福回到那最初的模样
谁在你身旁
那些远方
一直都在手上

是否有一段时光

============\
I remember the dramas I watched during confinement because I have the time and having to watch them every night during the "confined" days give me even deeper impression. The Channel 8 drama aired during my 1st confinement was 阿娣，by Zoe Tay and Chen Hanwei. Kit Chan sang its theme song 倔强。I remember humming the song to rock Evans to sleep. Haha!

This time round, Channel 8 is showing 十年。。。你还好吗. I am not really a fan of the show because I feel kind of depressed watching the plot. And I just feel that with Rui En putting on the extra kilos, it was not "appealing" to watch, even though she was fitting into the character as a simple "housewife" but to me, it was not very necessary. Anyway, its theme song comes usually after the show ends. So I caught it one time and I thought the song is rather nice "got feel". I like the tune, the voice and the feelings it gives. Then as I listen to it every night, I take note of the lyrics on and off. And I find the lyrics meaningful. Very sentimental to me and also a reflective piece for us to stop and think about it. The song reflects the plot and I think it brings out the questions we have at times, especially we are feeling low.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v80a0Ibk_K8

Dialogue with Director

The dialogue with DCD was a little unusual from the usual one. He asked me to book a different room which should not be a meeting room but more like a interactive space. He wanted to conduct an exercise with us, the group above 35 years old.

As an OD practitioner, he facilitated this session for the 6 of us. We were supposed to be paired up first. Then the question came

"What was the one notable moment from the past which made you feel extremely proud about yourself?"

I found the question familiar, probably I had that during my LSC. Anyway, I paired up with Paul, someone whom I seldom really chatted with. But I must say after the session, I got to know him a little better and actually he is quite nice to chat with. So the exercise went 1 party had to tell their story to the other. The other could only listen and not interrupt or ask any questions. After the story was shared, the listener would repeat the story back to the teller; and then we swopped. He wanted us to practice active listening.

As a listener, I found it challenging to hold back my questions to clarify what Paul wanted to tell me. I thought it was be more spontaneous if I could just ask. My mind was clouded by many questions, so I kept bringing myself back to focus on what Paul was sharing. It came across to me I was not at peace in my mind. Though I could tell back what he shared, I felt the things I could tell was limited. It could be because this was exactly what he shared or I was really muffled by my own noise. As a storyteller, it was much easier for me as I love to share my personal experience.

At the end of the session, we were supposed to share how did we feel about listening intently to the other person; and how did we feel when the other person repeat my story back. Most of us sort of re-lived that moment when we told the story and have the other party repeated it. It felt good that the other party showed interest in our proud moments. So Director led us to think about our traits of that notable moment.

Knowing what my strengths are; what gives me energy when I am doing certain things and how is it benefitting the world, and by this; it means what will people pay me for doing this (so that I can sustain myself). He drew his favourite 3 circles:

You will be extremely happy with you life and feeling blissful if what you are doing now is the pink shaded portion where all the 3 traits come together. That's why some people love their job and can do it forever. I think that works for my Director. He always said people at our age should know what we want to do with our lives and that always makes me concerned because I am really not clear and probably have no guts to pursue what I really think I like and can do it.

Having said that, the key thing is not for us to keep dwelling what I like, etc but more of keeping ourselves quiet and reflect more. Reflection, is probably one thing which I seldom practise; with the distractions around me like deadlines, kiddo, work, wants and needs. Maybe that's why I do not have that level of clarity to understand myself deeper. Director said if we want to know our strengths, ask our parents. Hmmm, I wonder if that would work for me because it would sound really awkward to my parents and brother. Haha! But seriously I doubt myself at times, about my strengths when there is no confirmation/affirmation. Confidence is on the fence. I am not sure. Like what Giin Bo mentioned, if a kid is very confident of himself and is very clear of his own identity, bullies will not be able to hurt his esteem. True but it really takes a lot for a kid to know that, isn't it. So it suddenly reminded me to be sensitive on the words used on Evans. Discipline yet not let him lose his confidence; Educate yet not let him feel incompetent.

Taking it a bit at a time... r e f l e c t i o n

Character or Just Plain Rebellion

Today a few conversations which I had with my colleagues made me reflect about my blunt expressions especially to the people or colleagues whom I dislike.

Put it nicely, I am being real and authentic. But is it healthy? I am not trying to find excuses but usually if I appear cold to you, it must have been a cumulative effect of the things you have done that irk me to the max.    Or it could plainly be a clash in personality or values. After understanding myself on what really irks me, I think I need to justify the value behind being this real to the people I dislike. It is not as if they really care and I am not changing anything for the better. Hmmm... it will be difficult because I have tried to be non-chalant to their presence but I felt irritated by the things they said or the way they said certain things. I know I would not be the one asking them to join in lunch. Talking about this, I really should learn from the older folks for being so approachable to everyone and lunch with anyone is easy.

I am now more aware of my behaviour and certainly hope I can pull my brake on my instant reflexes when I am face to face with those I don't like. I shall see.

Pastor Lee Jong-rak's Baby Box

On mc today. Happened to catch snippets of this documentary about this Pastor Lee who leads a church in Seoul.

What was special about his church was he created a Baby Box. A box, for parents who did not want to keep their babies. When the parents left the baby in the box, they would ring the bell so that the church could retrieve the baby.

I find it very heartbreaking to see the babies being left in that box. One was only 22 days old and he looked so adorable. Pastor Lee gave them generous love and care, he did not want them to be left elsewhere otherwise they might not survived the weather and from the stray dogs.

Pastor saying a prayer

I think it was very noble of Pastor Lee to do that. He helped many helpless (esp single moms) and abandoned babies but I am also not too sure will this encourage more abandoned babies. It was said in South Korea, there is a strong social stigma on single mothers. They did not want to be labelled as shame so would rather choose to let go of the babies. But why not putting them up for proper adoption then?  Tough. When the mother puts up her baby for adoption, she needs to register her name with the baby. Only when the baby is officially adopted, then the name will be off the mother.

So, most times, as long as the baby is un-adopted, the mother bears the name and the shame of having a baby, unwed. Usually when Pastor Lee sees a baby in the Baby Box, there will be a note with the baby, and it usually begins with "I am sorry...".

Pastor Lee's Baby Box is the best alternative for these young single mothers (as least they know their babies will be well taken care of) but he was forced to close down the box because of the legislation (all babies must have proper registration records). Pastor Lee has to give up the babies to the government and he couldn't bear to do so, esp those with disability. I feel for him because he has given all his love to them but cannot watch them grow. He was particularly concerned for those disabled kids also because he has a disabled son who suffered from celebral paralysis.

I think it is not only in South Korea but typically Asia countries, we cannot avoid such social stigma. We were taught the social convention to get married then kids. If not, YOU ARE A SHAME. Though I think probably such pressure is more evident in South Korea. In Singapore, under the media influence and exposure to western culture, I think it is a little 'easier' for unwed moms. But, of course, still not the approved way.

Anyway, back to the Baby Box, I just wish that people can be more responsible for their actions. Don't do something which you cannot afford the consequences. It's a precious little life.

"We just want happy kids"

Hello for the 1st Time!

Finally I decided to start writing a blog. I have procrastinated for a long while and finally I made the first step.

Why I finally decided to start this is because I needed a place to "keep" my experiences, my rantings and memories. So one day when I read back, I will be able to "relive" some of the moments, be it magical or nasty. And since writing a blog is so much easier than keeping a journal, here I am. :)

This shall be the start of my memory lane, in my little "jotter book".

xoxoxo