Patience

Taking care of kids is an excellent training to becoming a more patient person. Tough training cos I have lost it umpteen times. At the beginning, I just lost it and hurled scoldings at them, even at a few months old. The sleep deprivation wasn't helping and that made me very reactive to the situation that took place, without thinking. I was also very easily upset by sarcasm and many times I felt like just letting it out to "teach them a lesson". I am glad I didn't because given the state of my well being, my emotions would lead me to say very ugly things and the recipients wouldn't be apologetic for sure. There was really no point. Tolerance.

After a while it could be getting used to it or being more self aware, I started to have some thinking in my head while I still let out my anger at the kids. That's a good start.... self awareness.

As Eden gets more aware and more capable in communicating his emotions, I start to interact with him more. It helps very much in the bonding so that we can grow to like each other more. And when we like each other more, I am hoping he will fuss less. And when he fusses during sleep time or feeding, patience comes into play. I used to scold him a lot and it made me even more agitated and that in turn worsened the situation. My irritation came not only cos of Eden not drinking his milk properly but also how come no one is helping. Ya many times I felt victimised. I didn't wanna feel this way but I did. I realised this was not healthy as I became very unhappy with myself and the people whom I had expectations. So sometimes I just try to do things within my limits and no longer expect help so that when help comes, I can be more thankful. I felt very disturbed after watching a video of a mom hitting her infant a lot of times as he refused to stop crying. Her slaps were hard and I  thought could be hurtful to the baby. She slapped the baby's face hard. Heart wrenching!!!! I wish I had not seen it. But the video reminded me of my bad behaviour too... ok I didn't slap like this but many times (at the early stage) I felt like leaving him to cry. I probably slapped his cheek once too.... sigh... *guilty*

I feel guilty being harsh to Evans too as he is only a 5 year old kid. At this age he is probably starting to be more cheeky and imitating how the adults talk. So sometimes he comes across as rude, which I know isn't intentional as he doesn't know it's rude. Everything needs a balance. As parent we need to know when to let go and when to educate. I am testing it out. For sure me and hubby couldn't agree on the way to educate the kids but at least now I try to keep quiet when he is trying to discipline Evans. Contradiction confuses the kid.

I am still learning how to be a proper parent in the midst of other negativities. Self belief... that I can do a proper job.

Breast Milk

People call mummy's milk as liquid gold because there are hundreds of natural nutrients in the breastmilk  (bm) which is not present in the formula milk (fm). During my mom's times, giving bm wasn't popular and we were on fm. But now, everyone is advocating breastfeeding. For Evans and Eden, I managed to latch for a few days before kicking in the pumping schedule. Very tough to start and build supply. Once the routine and supply are set, things seem easier even though for Eden, I had problem pumping on time because of lack of help.

I was more diligent during Evans's times because all of us just had to focus on one baby. I recalled I was an over supplier. For Eden, I had experienced short supply before and we had to rely on fm to tide over. Now 4 months plus post partum and Eden drinking 150ml for each feed  (5 to 6 times per day), I am just an "enougher". There were good times last 2 months when I could store some frozen bm in the freezer for future use when I am back to work. But now I just wanna focus on feeding the fresh ones, particularly because Eden seems to be coughing and he often sounds nasal. I could hear phlegm. I know a few friends told me due to narrow airways babies have, they usually sound nasal. But still I think it is affecting our sleep. At around 3 to 4 am, Eden would start to fidget and turn, I think he is trying to find a comfortable position to breathe better while sleeping.

Recently his coughing seems more frequent, so I feel that all the more I should give more bm for the antibodies. When he was coughing, I was still thinking "eh... I thought breastfed babies shouldn't fall ill so easily...." Recalled Evans was quite illness-free during the bm times. But now probably with a sibling, Eden is exposed to greater risk of being hit with some flu bugs. So I really hope my bm is a good medicine for him.

While bm is liquid gold, it doesn't mean breastfed babies don't fall sick. If they do, it will be less severe in terms of intensity and duration. So I can only keep giving my liquid gold and will keep pumping for the supply.

4 hourly, 20min per session, 1 middle of the night pump, 5 pumps per day.

Feeding Woes

Is it after the growth spurt? Or something not right with the bb or my bm? This week starts to get challenging  (for me) when feeding Eden. He is not all easy to be fed but still he used to finish his bottle but lately I couldn't make him finish it. After much battling and struggling, he would still refuse 10 to 20ml. We even took a few breaks in between.

I sang, I talked, I uses toys... could only keep his suckling power on for a few seconds. I wonder how my mom could make him finish the milk while I was out yesterday! But also some struggling was inevitable.

Exclusive Pumping Facebook Group

Recently I joined this FB Group for exclusively pumping moms. Moms get to interact and find out info related to milk pumping. Coincidentally the group was set up by a colleague. I joined the group mainly for knowledge and in case of any questions I might have, I could post them in the group. The ladies are pretty responsive.

But then again whether to accept their pointof views, is another factor. I am my own judge as I find some of the comments extreme or some might cause unnecessary anxiety. Anyhow they meant well.... the main thing is to seek and give support to this community as we can empathise that exclusive pumping is challenging.

While I am kind of used to the routine, it's still challenging at times to pump on a 4 hourly basis as it depends on the baby and if help is available to help take care of the baby. And now I only do 1 middle of the night pump. Even so, after the pump and washing, I find myself wide awake. Just can't fall back to sleep!!! I probably take another hour to sleep but by morning when baby wakes for feeding, I tend to feel exhausted. I used to be able to sleep right after the night pump but these days it is hard.

I don't think I can stop the middle of the night pump because I wish to maintain supply. Looks like I need to bear with such sleepless nights for a while. Actually I should already be thankful that all I have to do in the middle of the night was pump. It is a lil painful to wake up and start moving but once the first step is made, the rest is much easier.

Jiayou!