Patience

Taking care of kids is an excellent training to becoming a more patient person. Tough training cos I have lost it umpteen times. At the beginning, I just lost it and hurled scoldings at them, even at a few months old. The sleep deprivation wasn't helping and that made me very reactive to the situation that took place, without thinking. I was also very easily upset by sarcasm and many times I felt like just letting it out to "teach them a lesson". I am glad I didn't because given the state of my well being, my emotions would lead me to say very ugly things and the recipients wouldn't be apologetic for sure. There was really no point. Tolerance.

After a while it could be getting used to it or being more self aware, I started to have some thinking in my head while I still let out my anger at the kids. That's a good start.... self awareness.

As Eden gets more aware and more capable in communicating his emotions, I start to interact with him more. It helps very much in the bonding so that we can grow to like each other more. And when we like each other more, I am hoping he will fuss less. And when he fusses during sleep time or feeding, patience comes into play. I used to scold him a lot and it made me even more agitated and that in turn worsened the situation. My irritation came not only cos of Eden not drinking his milk properly but also how come no one is helping. Ya many times I felt victimised. I didn't wanna feel this way but I did. I realised this was not healthy as I became very unhappy with myself and the people whom I had expectations. So sometimes I just try to do things within my limits and no longer expect help so that when help comes, I can be more thankful. I felt very disturbed after watching a video of a mom hitting her infant a lot of times as he refused to stop crying. Her slaps were hard and I  thought could be hurtful to the baby. She slapped the baby's face hard. Heart wrenching!!!! I wish I had not seen it. But the video reminded me of my bad behaviour too... ok I didn't slap like this but many times (at the early stage) I felt like leaving him to cry. I probably slapped his cheek once too.... sigh... *guilty*

I feel guilty being harsh to Evans too as he is only a 5 year old kid. At this age he is probably starting to be more cheeky and imitating how the adults talk. So sometimes he comes across as rude, which I know isn't intentional as he doesn't know it's rude. Everything needs a balance. As parent we need to know when to let go and when to educate. I am testing it out. For sure me and hubby couldn't agree on the way to educate the kids but at least now I try to keep quiet when he is trying to discipline Evans. Contradiction confuses the kid.

I am still learning how to be a proper parent in the midst of other negativities. Self belief... that I can do a proper job.